苦笑

就是这么简单

就是这么脆弱

为什么一碰就会碎？

因为

就是这么简单

就是这么脆弱

我可以做些什么？

苦笑

因为

哈哈

就是这么简单

就是这么脆弱

指挥家

人生是一首又一首的进行曲，

演奏的是他人，指挥的是你，

人生就在棒起棒落间流逝，

人生就在曲终人散时画下句点。

人生的每一个音符都是由你挥洒出来的，

高低起伏？平平无奇？风起云涌？绕梁三日？

你的决定。。。

遗憾的是，你可能无法完美的指挥每首进行曲。

骄傲的是，你指挥的每首进行曲是独一无二的。

神秘的是，你无法预测下一首进行曲。

美丽的是，你现在指挥的进行曲是由你掌握的。

每个人都必须当个生命的指挥家，

因为，

每个人都只有一次的机会指挥自己的生命。。。

Am I?

Am I so worst till you are not dare to tell me this?

Am I so worst till you need such a long time to tell me this?

Am I so worst till you can't tell me something that you can tell them easily?

You had told me a lot today. I had heard a lot today. At a moment like this only I knew that what are you thinking. Is it so difficult to told me that? I don't understand. I know my reaction had frighten you, but same goes to me. Frankly, I felt dissapointed at that moment.Only 1 question is wandering in my mind: What am I actually meant to you?

You will asked my help or advice for anything, even only small thing like how to use washing machine. You like to ask my advice in your family problem and especially your relation problem. But today I realised, these were just those old sweet days...

You have your own reason while you choose not to tell me this. I knew that and I understand, no explanation require from you. I knew what you think and what you feel, you know why? Because I understand you more than you...

Remember the HCL message?Remember you hurt so much when I didn't tell you that I had passed my car test?Remember our promise?

My mind is so blur now, I don't want to continue this. I knew if i continue, I'll messed up everything I wanted to tell you.Still the same old requirement. Give me few more days, thank you...

I Have a Great Dad!!!

P.S: This happened at 18/12 but i leave till now cause this is the birthday present for my dad who are 46 at 27/12.

I have a great dad!

我有一个很棒的爸爸！

Why do I suddenly say so?

为什么我会突然这么说？

Because my dad is really great!

因为我的爸爸真的很棒！

今天和妹妹出去，去逛街。途中经过爸的公司，就打算敲诈爸爸请我们吃午餐。上到公司，他看到我们这帮匪徒竟然还眉开眼笑！真是的！我的爸就是那么可爱。。。爸的同事都说：“哇！很幸福啊！女儿甘大！”“哇！爽啊！女儿甘靓！”一句接一句的客套话却把爸逗得乐开怀。一副“人生至此，夫复何求”的样子。还说：“皇帝女来了！收工了！”爸的表情我是看在眼里，甜在心里。

Today I went shopping with my sister. While I pass by my dad’s office, we plan to fraud him for lunch. When I reach his office, he smiles so happily even though he saw a group of fraudster! Which are us. That’s him! My cute dad… Dad’s colleagues say:”Wow! How nice! All your daughters are grown up now!” ”Wow! Great for you! Your daughters are so beautiful!” Even those are courtesy, but they still made my dad so cheerful. “Happily ever after”, that’s what he looks like now. Added:” All my princesses are here! I have to knock from work now!” Dad’s expression makes me feel so sweet.

我们去 Timesquare 吃了午餐，我就载爸爸回公司。接下来打算去Pavilion，而爸说他刚好有文件要交给总公司，地点也在那附近。

We went to Timesquare to have our lunch. After that, I dropped my dad back to office. We planned to go to Pavilion after that, and dad said he had a document needed to submit to main branch which situated near to Pavilion.

爸：“等我一下啦！很快的！

Dad:”Wait me for a while! Few minutes! Ok?”

好咯，皇帝爸都开声了，等他咯。

Ok, my honored dad had sound out, what can I do?

30分钟后。。。

After 30 minutes…

终于从公司出来了。

He was out from office finally.

我：“爸！很久咯！又讲一下而已！现在去Pavilion很塞车啦！”

Me:”Dad! You had taken so long time! You told me a moment right? This time now went to Pavilion will be extremely jam!”

手忙脚乱的爸：“咦！这个还没有photocopy！等我一下啊！很快的！”

Dad that was running around in circles:”Oh! I haven’t photocopied this document! A moment please! I’ll be quick!”

又下车了。。。根本没在听啦！@#$%^&*

Rushed away again…He was not paying attention! @#$%^&*

10分钟后。。。

After 10 minutes…

爸：“我要驾！你驾车很慢的！”

Dad:”Let me drive! Your speed is slow!”

 好咯！让他驾咯！

Ok! Ok! Go ahead!

一路上去着Pavilion，我们3姐妹都一直在笑爸爸。打错signal啦，镜子搅不下来啦，wiper不会开啦。。小妹就说：“爸爸驾惯 ben si 不会驾cheap cheap的saga 的啦！”在我还来不及骂小妹诋毁我的宝贝女儿 pooh saga时，爸就说：“做么驾不惯哦？我以前也是驾saga的，那时候的logo还是星星月亮的咧！”接下来的一番话，我真的觉得爸爸很棒。。。

On the way heading to Pavilion, 3 of us kept giggled at dad’s back. Wrong signaling, unable to roll down the mirror, unable to on the wiper etc. Ni said:” Dad used to Benz, he will not suit to saga which is cheap like this…” Before I scold her for criticizing my baby pooh saga, dad responded:”Who said that I can’t use to it? I drove saga last time, the logo for proton that time was still a star and a moon!” The conversation below really made me respect my great dad…

“那时候没有钱买车，怎么办？做工，去site，还是什么都要用车。买二手车啦！二手saga 5000块而已。买了哦，开始驾驾下冷气出白烟还以为是冷气很冷，还吹到很爽。结果热到要死才知道原来水滚了！吓死我啊！那辆车啊，塞车的时候哦。塞塞下也会水滚的，每次就停在路边然后等它冷咯。别的车就honk到要死咯！在那边骂什么烂车咯！车尾厢还要放一支支大大罐的水，不是拿来喝的啊！是给它水滚了啊，冷下来了装的啊。有一次车给lori撞到旁边镜子破掉拿plastic包住咯。前面镜撞到歪了有洞，下雨会漏水。没关系啦，车底砖2个洞给水流下去啦。然后买那种胶水粘咯，久了胶水会硬的嘛。有什么办法？没有钱修车。那时候啊！哼！没有钱打油怎么办？5块钱也打啦！那时候打油不是现在这样的嘛。你给那个人钱然后他再打的，每次打他就讲har! lima ringgit sahaja ah?!怎样？没有钱。有时候两块钱都打啊！”

“No money for car that period, what to do? Went for work la, site or what ah, a car is a must. Buy second hand la! After bought it, while driving ah, air cond give out puffs of white smoke. I thought that the air cond is cold enough. I still enjoy it and very happy. At last when it went hotter and hotter only I realized it’s the engine water boiled up! I really got a shocked! That car ah, when traffic jam ah, the water will boil too. In the middle of jam, every time has to stop at the roadside and wait for it to cool down lo. Other cars will honk as loud as they can lo! Complaining what an old, useless car lo! In my boot ah, there are a large amount of water in a lot of big containers, not for drinking ah! Is for after the boiled engine water cool down and refill one ah! You know ah, got once my car banged by a truck and the left side mirror gone already, how? Use plastic wrapped it lo. After accident, front mirror have a hole, when raining, rain water will flow in. Never mind la! Buy the glue and sealed it up la, after some time, the glue will harden one ma! Or else what to do? No money to repair. At that time ah! Heng! No money to refuel how? 5 ringgit also refuels la! At that time petrol station is not the same like now. You pay to the worker and he refuel for you want ma. Every time when paying, then he will said:” har! Lima ringgit sahaja ah?! How? No money. Sometimes 2 ringgit also needed to refuel ah!”

就是这一段话。就是这一段很普通的往事只能回味的话。爸爸说的时候的语气，有一种苦尽甘来的感觉。爸爸的风光史，我们3个女儿知道的不多。他也很少特意说出来，可是从这种小事就知道爸爸是很棒的。Form 5没有毕业，KL没有投靠，家境不宽裕的情况下，他还是有办法闯出自己的一片天。因为他幸运吗？可能吧。可是他的努力，我们看到吗？爸爸也挨过，还挨了不少。从一个Sungkai kampung 出身的爸爸，在30岁买了人生第一辆宾士，有什么秘诀吗？爸爸不会交际，不会说话，不会奉承，不会吹捧。他会的是什么？老实说，我也不知道。可是爸爸可以到今时今日的风光就是他的能力的最好证明了。

Ya, just like that. Just to recall the pass. But while dad was telling us his story, his tone sound calm. He had passed those sorrow days. Dad’s prestigious, we don’t know much about it. He will never tell it, only by chance when we heard something like this about him, we will know that he is great. Doesn’t graduate from form 5, no dependent in KL, tight family economy... Under all these circumstances, he is still able to explore until he own himself a piece of triumph. Is he lucky? Maybe. But his effort, did we saw it? Dad had go through obstacles, a lot of obstacles. He was born in a small village, he rewarded himself his 1st Benz at age 30, are there any secret tips? Dad is not good in communicating, not in talking, not in flattered. So what he is good in? As a daughter, honest speaking, I don’t know. But he does success doesn’t he? That’s the best prove of his ability.

小时候总觉得爸爸很讨厌，看到我就问冲凉了没有？功课做了没有？之类的话。也很不尊敬爸爸，老觉得他很啰嗦，也不够妈妈有威严，一点都不怕他。慢慢长大，发现与其怕或尊重他，我更觉得敬佩他。爸爸被妈妈骂或打，是因为他没有用吗？是因为他胆小吗？不是的。妈妈说：“你觉得爸爸的身形，妈妈打得过他咩？如果真的要打，爸爸会输咩?如果不会输，为什么爸爸不还手？因为。。。爸爸有风度。”这是妈妈告诉我的。对，爸爸有风度。打女人的男人最要不得了。打女人的男人是因为没有本事，没有专长，没有大展手脚的领域，就用打女人来证明自己拥有男性荷尔蒙！总结一句：就是一个窝囊废。爸爸有本事，所以就算他的女人对他发脾气，他也没关系。他觉得这是一种他爱她的方法，他包容她的方法，他保护她的方法。

I don’t really like dad when I’m small, I’m not paying respect to him too. Because he will grumbled a lot whenever he saw you! Have you bathed? Have you finished your homework? And etc. This is annoying me. I am not afraid of him neither, I always felt that he is not as majestic as mum. But slowly when I grew up, I realized that compared with afraid or respect, it’s better for me to honor him. Dad always get scold by mum, is this because he is useless or he is a coward? Absolutely no! Mum says:” Try to think about it. Can I defeat your dad? If we really fight, do you think your dad will lose? If his chance of winning is high, why doesn’t he retaliate? Because…Dad is a gentleman.” No doubt, this is what mum told me. This is the true voice from a woman who loves and faces dad a lot. Yes, dad is a gentleman. Man who use violence on woman is those who do nothing success, those who has no expertise, those who has no ability. So, by hitting woman, they think they can prove that there’re male hormones in their blood stream! As a conclusion: They’re crap! Dad has ability, so when his women released temper on him, he just take it easy. He feel that this is the way he loves her, he protects her.

爸爸老会出奇不意的说出一些让人啼笑皆非的话。而且他不像大家认知中的爸爸。他很会撒娇，出街也很爱跟；他很疼女儿，老婆女儿都是他的心肝肉。爸爸不会大男人。爸爸也不会摆样子。一副什么都无所谓的样子反而让我更容易亲近他，什么都想告诉他。他是爸爸，他喜欢买菜，喜欢煮饭。他是爸爸，他享受女儿老婆赞美它的厨艺。他就是这样的一个爸爸。到现在他见到你，还是会说：“冲凉了没有哦？臭到要死还坐在那边打game？！”每当他这样说，我就会冲前去亲他然后看着他一边抹脸，一边大骂，一边偷笑的样子。因为他就是这样的爸爸。

Occasionally, dad will blurb out some ironic sentences that made you unable to respond. Moreover, he is different from the traditional dad. He is coquetry, he likes to follow when we went shopping. He treasured his daughters, wife and daughters are his darlings. Dad is not tyranny. Dad will never show his airs. His ITS OK character makes me easier to approach him. He is a dad, he likes to cook. He is a dad, he enjoy praised of his cooking skill from daughter and wife. He is such a dad. Until now, when he sees you, he will still says:”Have you bathed? You are extremely smelly now but you are still playing games there?!” Whenever he says that, I’ll rush to him, kiss him and enjoy the way he is rubbing his face, grumbling loudly and smiling secretly. Because he is such a dad.

我很幸运他不是我的爸爸可是他可以成为我的爸爸。真的很想大声地告诉全世界：我的爸爸很厉害！我的爸爸也很可爱！而他！就是我的爸爸！

I am lucky that he is not my dad but he can be my dad. I really wished to announce to the whole world: My dad is great! My dad is cute! And! He is MY DAD!

爸爸，歹势啦！说到可爱，我只想到这张照片。。。

Sorry dad, when CUTE is mentioned, my mind only have this photo…

原来失望的感觉。。很痛。。

对不起，上回才兴致勃勃地要告诉你们我的台湾之旅，还来不及和你们分享我的快乐，它就被吞噬了。。。

Facebook的照片还未上载完毕。这几天电脑借给妈妈了，他的电脑上不到Farmville。而一切，就从这件事开始。。。

昨天傍晚，和宝贝们举行例行的每周运动日后就回家。大概6点吧，妈把我叫去，要我出去买多一架电脑。用途是？他原本的电脑荧幕太小，Farmville不好玩。好！大人的玩具，没关系。而二妹听到妈要买电脑时，眼睛都大了。其实她很早就开始吵要电脑，我一直坚决不让妈买给他。Form 1 的学生要电脑来干嘛？听歌？上网？看戏？还有吗？而她给的借口是？找资料 。拜托！我也读过Form 1，有资料找？过后他也比较收敛了。直到我买了电脑后，他就变本加厉。理直气壮的要求妈买电脑给他，做为他的生日礼物。我买电脑的时候，我坚持自己付款就是因为我不要给他借口说为什么买给大姐而没有买给我。但他也还是不谅解，一味觉得大姐有的，我也该有。妈心软了，我也算了。买就买，买一架便宜的给他当娱乐就好。

DELL，RM2699，INSPIRON 14。昨天买的电脑，妈妈用的。原本妈坚持多买一架给二妹，我不肯。妈就让二妹暂时和他共用，事后再买一架。买了回来，一进家门，二妹就说：“妈！我听到那个salesman讲迟点studio 15　promotion，RM 2499。很值得买！”　我马上打叉，说这架电脑的性能，这个价钱太离谱。唯一的优点就是荧幕很大，看戏很舒服。妈的回答竟然是：“哎呀！买啦！买啦！喜欢就买！订了给钱然后拿咯！”　我就说妹妹这个年纪没有必要买那么贵的电脑，１０００＋＋已经可以买到很好的，没有必要浪费那个钱。而当我在说着的当时，二妹就摆出她那张招牌臭脸。妈一看到，马上说：“来，薏！不要紧！妈妈这架给你！”　我真的很生气了！尝试很努力的解释。爸知道我的用心就和妈解释。他根本不要听。我很生气，就走掉了。

我冲了凉，冷静了。我就回去他房间处理新电脑的东西。我一直忍着。不哭，我告诉自己。然后我听到一句话：“我这个做妈妈的！做到很没有尊严的啦！要看女儿的脸色做人的啦！唉～生女儿啦！”我真的忍不住了，眼泪也滑了下来：“妈！现在我又有说到什么咩？”他马上说：“我有在讲你咩？”一个妈妈对儿女的冷嘲热讽是最痛的。。。我也不想再说什么。眼泪就一直流，真的很难忍。他又再说：“自己去想想，一家人有什么事就坐下来谈，不要一点点事就乒乒乓乓，摆那张臭脸。”我反驳说我并没有摆臭脸，摆那张脸的人是二妹。而他竟然叫我去照镜子！叫我自己看清楚我摆的那张是不是臭脸！“我没有摆臭脸！摆臭脸的人是二妹！反正它摆个臭脸就赢完的啦！”落下这句话后，我再度冲了出去，也听到尾随在后的叫骂声。冲进房间我马上打给细心，他也听我噼里啪啦的说了一堆。我真的很激动！细心叫我冷静，也说可能他已习惯这样来宠我二妹，叫我不要这样想。我知道吓倒细心了。对不起，亲爱的。谢谢你借我你的耳朵。更谢谢你努力逗我。

我当下的心情只有困惑和失望。。。我真的很想知道，我，做错了吗？荧幕前的你们，可以告诉我吗？我做错了吗？曾有一段过去，我真的很不谅解他，不谅解他对二女儿的偏心。渐渐长大，我告诉自己：他是一视同仁的，比较疼二女儿也是因为他从小身子比较弱。可是原来不是。。。我真的很不明白，他摆臭脸你竟然可以用几千块去赢君一笑。因为他而摆臭脸甚至泪流满面的我却要去照镜子！他有什么好？因为他长得比我美？因为他从小身子比较弱？那我宁愿从小身子弱的人是我！因为你只看到身子弱，而不在乎心灵的脆弱。我的坚强，每个人都知道。我的无所畏惧，每个人都看到。因为我知道我受伤时，家会是我的避风港，家人会是我的靠岸。原来我错了。。。你和别人都一样。。。我想说：我是很坚强，我也是女生，我也会受伤。我是很坚强，我也是你女儿，我也要你在乎我的感受！是不是因为我不会像他那样，不会像他那样楚楚可怜？所以你不用在乎我的感觉？是不是因为我不会像他那样，不会像他那样用苦肉计？所以我哭就要去照镜子？我的眼泪不重要，最重要是她的微笑。我的心痛不重要，最重要是她喜欢就好。

你老爱告诉他：“妈咪老了你要养我啊？看你大姐的脸就知道他不会养我的啦。”可是你知不知道在她小学的时候你骂了他后，他告诉我什么？他说！：“骂！骂！骂！老了我一定不要养他！”他是你的掌上明珠！你的心肝宝贝！我？我真的开始怀疑了。到底我是不是第三者？是不是介入你们家庭的第三者？没有我，可能你们会更快乐。我知道他还小，我知道我要让他。可是不是这种方式！我真的的错了吗？是吧，我认了。我不应该管他，因为我没有资格管他，我不是她的亲生姐姐。他才是这个家里有特优权的，因为。。。他有爸爸妈妈。。。你知道我的失望和心痛吗？我和你的争吵有几次不是因为他？！小妹昨晚睡前告诉我：“大姐，妈妈很过份咯！刚刚你冲出去后妈妈讲耶！赢了！薏笑笑！我们胜利了咯！打仗时一定要赢的”对！“你们”。。。从来都不关我的事。我只是一个外人！自讨苦吃什么？！多嘴什么？！活该！

我要让他！不可以管他！因为我没有资格！他的任性，你说叫有性格。他的无礼，你说叫有原则。他的固执 ，你说叫有想法。你有多久没有称赞我了？你有多久没有好好看我了？我们有多久没有好好谈谈了？真的很显。。想到你就很显。。你总骄傲的告诉别人你的女儿也是单亲家庭，也是表现的很好。原因是？你付出的时间和你的教育方法。不是因为我会想，更不是因为我的谅解。

我是单亲家庭的孩子，爸爸很疼我，我真的很庆幸。老实说，如果昨晚不是爸爸，我早已经走了 。爸爸，谢谢你。虽然你不是我的爸爸。妮妮，我的小妹，也谢谢你。你的天真让大姐看开不少。虽然我不是你的大姐。二妹，你不爱我管，我不会再管你。可是我想告诉你：如果有一天妈妈走了，你还有爸爸。可是大姐就什么都没有了。不要再离间我们了，好吗？我求你，谢谢。妈咪，你老说你最疼我，生我的时候是因为你真的很想有个孩子。我知道你疼我，你不会宠我也造就了我的独立和坚强。可是你可以偶尔宠宠我吗？我也是女儿，再粗鲁也是会受伤。二妹身子很弱，药可以医。我心灵的脆弱，只有你可以医。你对我要求很高，我知道。所以什么东西都伤害不了我，我知道我不可以在你面前跌倒。可是对着家人，我是没有防备的，一旦受伤，就很难复原。可是我也醒了，我知道我对你是要死心一点了，受伤才不会那么痛。我真的开始失望了。。。

现在才知道，原来失望的感觉。。。很痛。。。

 我会不断提醒自己：

因为。。 

 

所以。。。张欣薇。。。加油。。。